A few years ago, when cleaning out my grandparents’ house after they had both passed away, I stumbled across this marriage pamphlet titled “You and Your Marriage” by Hugh B. Brown.
He was a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, and also a member of the First Presidency under David O. McKay.
I read through the pamphlet, and got sucked into how many of these beliefs remain unchanged, and how many feel out-of-date.
I thought it would be fun transcribe it and to post it here for you to check out:
The Latter-Day Saint Concept of Marriage
The Latter-Day Saints believe that in order to attain the best in life and the greatest happiness in this world and the next, men and women must be married in the temple for time and eternity. Without the sealing ordinances of temple marriage, man cannot achieve a God-like stature or receive a fullness of joy because the unmarried person is not a whole person, is not complete.
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To a Latter-day Saint there is only one kind of marriage which is wholly acceptable, that is, temple or celestial marriage, which is performed only in the temples of the Church… While we recognize civil marriages performed by ministers of other churches, and civil marriages performed by officers of the law, or others legally qualified to perform them, we believe that only in a temple of God can a marriage for time and eternity be performed, and then only by one having the authority which Christ gave to Peter when he said “... Whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven:...” (Matthew 16:19)
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The religious sanctity and sanction of the marriage relationship is greatly enhanced and appreciated where the couple, before marriage - and they must, necessarily, be of the same faith - start with the same goal in mind. They must prepare and be worthy to receive the sacred ordinance in edifices where only the worthy may enter. Here they Receive instruction, make covenants, and then at the altar pledge eternal love and fidelity, each for the other, in the presence of God and of angels. Surely such a concept and practice, with its accompanying obligations, makes for the permanence of the home, the glorifying of the institution of marriage, and the salvation of the souls of men.
Why Marriage
Marriage, to all believers in the Holy Scriptures, is a sacred institution, established by the Lord himself, to promote the happiness and well-being of his children. To the truly religious person, the fact that God himself commanded his children to multiply and replenish the earth is sufficient answer to the question: “Why.” … Here, as elsewhere in the great plan of salvation the ultimate blessings come only to those who endure to the end. The promised blessings are not bestowed at the marriage altar, but must be earned through patient years.
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We do not overlook or minimize the problems inherent in married life, especially those of us who have spent years in counseling, seeking to heal and to help. All married counselors, as well as most parents and church leaders are in varying degrees aware of what goes on “behind the scenes,” but much of the marital unhappiness could be or could have been avoided if the parties thereto had been willing to play the game according to the rules, to make the same kind of allowance for the weaknesses in others which they so readily make for themselves. Marriage requires many concessions, makes many demands, but in the school of life there is no stronger educative factor.
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To the question, “Why Marriage?” We submit:
Because the Lord commands it.
Only through it can the purpose of life - joy - be fully realized.
It is the Lord’s plan for the perpetuation of the race.
It is one of life’s most rewarding and exalting disciplines.
It is absolutely necessary in the best interests of children.
Through it we learn the beauty of unselfish love and learn to lose ourselves in service.
Only through the gate may men and women enter the highest degree of glory in the celestial kingdom.
If much is suffered in and through marriage, without it humanity would suffer much more.
When Marriage
We are often asked the question “What is the proper age for young people to marry?” There is, of course, no age at which each young person should marry, and we cannot therefore give a blanket answer to the question.
Calendar age or physical and biological development are not the only, or, in fact, the primary considerations. Marriage calls for physical, mental, moral, and spiritual adulthood or maturity.
Marriage presupposes at least some measure of adulthood and maturity. Teenagers are still in the process of maturing, physically, mentally, socially, psychologically, and spiritually. They are still in the transition stage, still growing and whatever their calendar age or physical size, they are still infants. When two such persons marry, if they continue to grow, they sometimes grow apart rather than together.
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Too many make the mistake of thinking mere infatuation is real love. Too many rush into marriage with the first one for whom they feel an emotional, and often fleeting attraction. Short acquaintance, lack of dating experience, and failure to use the head as well as the heart are responsible for the fact that approximately one-half of all marriage of girls under nineteen years of age end in unhappiness, separation, or divorce.
“Love at first sight” should take a second and longer look in a less glamorous setting. The person who is the object of one’s love should be examined against his or her background in search of a better understanding of his character.
While physical attraction is essential to love between man and woman, it should not be allowed to become paramount. Mutual emotional responses do not guarantee love or assure a good marriage. Infatuation may be romantic, glamorous, thrilling, and even urgent, but genuine love should not be in a hurry. The young and immature are often too motivated by impulse and emotion. The young girl who ecstatically exclaims, “He has that certain something,” may see the day when she wish he had “something certain.”
Whom To Marry
Travelers on the desert sometimes perish through exhaustion while pursuing a mirage, when they could have conserved their strength and traveled on to a life-giving spring. Beware of the fantasy of the mirage so often encountered in the area of young love.
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It is well for both boy and girl contemplating marriage to find opportunity to scratch the surface and discover what is hidden. Look for durable and permanent qualities, be not misled by camouflage. In marriage, which is life at work, the superficial is soon exposed; only the genuine can endure the hammer and chisel of married life. Young people contemplating marriage should compare notes on background, family idiosyncrasies, religious convictions and activities, lifetime habits, and national peculiarities, and ask frankly, “Can we two become one?” Or, speaking in terms of metals, “Are we malleable?”
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A bride of more than fifty years was heard to say to her seventy-six year old companion, “When I hear your footsteps on the sidewalk coming home in the evening, my heart begins to flutter; and I rush to the mirror to make sure I am presentable to meet my lover.” Would to God that all young couples could ride the tumultuous waves, brave the storm, and continue on together until they know the joy of coming into the harbor where there is peace that “passeth understanding,” and love greater than “faith or hope.”
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When people marry they not only choose companions for life, but they also select the parents for their children and the “stock” for their posterity.
The person who is really and truly in love, male or female, will dedicate himself to the inspiring task of building a home and family. He would rather be with the person who is his partner in the undertaking than with anyone else in the world, be they parents, relatives, or friends. The relationship of husband and wife is the most intimate basic and precious relationship known in life.
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Young people should marry someone:
Who has achieved physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual maturity.
Whom they’ve known long enough to appraise their “wearing qualities.”
Who has achieved self-control and can love someone more than he loves himself.
Who is willing to make sacrifices for the happiness of others.
Who is willing to assume the responsibility of raising a family
Why Marry Within The Church
Some of your young people, and others, have wondered if The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is peculiar or unique in its insistence that its members should marry within the church. It may be interesting to some to know that leaders of other churches have, down through the ages, counseled their members to marry within their own faith.
Catholic, Protestant, and Jewish leaders in all nations agree that inter-faith marriages frequently end in separation or divorce. Several national studies have been made on this important question, and they show that the chances of divorce and separation are two and one-half times greater in inter-faith marriages than where the partners are of the same faith…
If either one or both parties to such marriages are sincere in their religious convictions, there is sure to come a time, especially after children come into the home, when one or the other must yield, unless both are willing to give up religious practices altogether. If they choose the latter alternative, it means their children will be brought up without any kind of church attachment.
Young people during their courtship, may feel that their emotional harmony will make their differing faiths unimportant, but this does not prove to be true in actual experience. It is not difficult to maintain friendships across the barriers of religion, but successful marriage calls for mental, emotional, and spiritual unity, without which complete and satisfactory union between husband and wife is unattainable.
In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, there are many additional, fundamental reasons for marrying within the Church. Its members believe that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, that they have a divine commission to live its principles and teach its doctrines and way of life, therefore, they cannot compromise without being untrue to themselves and to their children…
There is, of course, the additional incentive for LDS members to marry within the Church, and that is that only worthy members of the Church may be married in the temple. Temple marriage is for time and eternity, and children born to parents who were married in the temple belong to the parents forever… They who marry out of the Church and therefore out of the temple should consider the permanence of the separation agreed to in the civil marriage ceremony, which concludes with the saddening phrase, “Until death do you part.”...
Thoughtful young people should, before they start dating, avoid the danger of entanglements and date only those who are of their own faith…
We receive many letters from people who face divorce and its attendant evils as a direct consequence of their having disregarded the above counsel. The following is typical:
“Dear Elder:
“As I listened to your address to day, I was so deep in my heart, that I had listened to similar advice ten years ago. At the age of 22 I married a non-Mormon. I had dated good Mormon boys, but although I had respect for them, they failed to ‘sweep me off my feet.’...
“The time has come when my duty is first to my children. We can no longer spend our Sundays hunting or visiting. My children need to go to church. My husband is willing that I should take them, but I must go alone. We are separated in the one thing that should bring us the most joy. (Worshipping as a family.)
“I can see my marriage slowly slipping away from me. Our central interests are different. He likes dogs and sports, mine must be church and children. I must take the children slowly to me and away from him. We have no common ground on which to meet in time of trial and need. Couples who cannot pray together can seldom talk to each other. The loneliness I feel these days is almost more than I can bear. The worst part of the whole situation is the conflicts with yourself, knowing that your duty is to the children and the Church, yet wanting the companionship of your husband. I sincerely hope you will continue to impress these important facts on our youth. I don’t believe this subject can be stressed too much to our young boys and girls. May God be with me, that I may find the solution to my problem. I sincerely hope He can help me do the best with the mistake I have made.”
There are, of course, many good, sincere, devoted people in other churches. Our objection to marrying them stems, not from any “holier-than-thou” feeling, but from a desire that both parties avoid the unhappiness which experience shows is almost inevitable. We would advise any Catholic, Protestant, or Jew not to marry a Latter-day Saint and for the same reason. Marriage is, to the Latter-day Saints, not only the most serious and important of life’s adventures, but it is when properly solemnized, the gateway into the kingdom of heaven. Furthermore, it is prerequisite to admittance to the highest degree of the celestial kingdom. Be satisfied with nothing less than CELESTIAL MARRIAGE.
Prerequisites
Foundation Stones
At the time of marriage, or even before, each couple should decide whether they wish their children, when they marry, to remember homes in which there were love, loyalty, peace, and happiness, or incompatibility, contention, strife, and misery. The answer to this question depends upon the character, personalities, integrity, and constancy of the couple themselves, for in their home some future brides and grooms are to spend the most impressionable years of their lives.
A successful marriage cannot be bought in ready-to-wear stores. Each must be tailored to fit the individuals and must be kept up-to-date by such alterations and changes as life-s “wear and tear” may require. There must be occasional refitting into the changing patterns as life progresses.
The sensible couple or family who start on a trip in an automobile, whether on business or pleasure, with a promise of something valuable or worthwhile at the end of the journey, will not be deterred or thrown into panic of something goes wrong with the car. They stop and fix it or take it to a garage. If a new art is needed which cannot be obtained at the service station or small town enroute, and a layover is required while the garage man obtains and installs a new part, they, if they are wise and well-adjusted, will make good use of the enforced rest. Without recriminations or worry, they will see the sights of the area, get acquainted with some of the people, go to a show, and in various ways, turn what might have been a tragedy into a holiday and enrich the trip for all. They continue on and win the reward.
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If something goes wrong in the home, or if there is a storm of quarreling, caused by tensions and triggered by temper, why not be as wise and sane here as on an automobile trip. Why not relax, go for a walk, chop some wood, whip up a cake, get some recreation, and let the storm blow over as all storms do? Unfortunately, some couples, in such situations, figuratively set fire to the car and walk off in opposite directions into the desert, without regard for the welfare of other members of the family, and convert what was a minor matter to an irreparable tragedy. Oh, that married people would grown up and “act their age!”
Emotional Maturity
The need for emotional equilibrium in married life becomes more apparent to the marriage counselor with each day’s assortment of interviews with husbands and wives who are seeking help and counsel. Even among older couples who have lived together many years, we find that one or neither has ever grown up emotionally.
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We hear quite frequently of the nagging wife and certainly when we find her we find a real problem, but there are also nagging husbands, though they may not be so widely advertised.
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Each person has many adjustments to make as he struggles toward maturity, and these growing pains should not be complicated by having to adjust to another who is in similar throes. Youth as well as age is a kind of infirmity. Only time and experience can make one wholly adult.
Modesty, The Hallmark of a Lady
Most of our girls are innately modest in dress, speech, and conduct. Most of them still blush at any accidental exposure and resent any unseemly or suggestive conversation. Certainly few of them are ever guilty of intentional immodesty or of unladylike speech or conduct.
We honor and respect cultured and refined young ladies and are grateful to them for upholding the high standards of true ladylike conduct which distinguished their mothers and grandmothers despite the rugged pioneer conditions in which they lived.
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The young women who wish to establish happy and enduring homes will resist the down-drag of subtle vices of pretense, vanity, and impropriety. They should seek the companionship of, and emulate those who are modest, refined, cultured, and respected. Modern style and social customs sometimes lure our young people into unsuspected and undesirable habits of speech and dress.
We wonder if our girls know what kid of females they imitate when they immodestly expose their bodies to public view because it may be fashionable. They should know of the lewd, sinister, and sensuous designs of such females in these disgusting displays. If they knew the source of some modern fashions, no sensible, self-respecting girl would mimic the authors or risk the implications and deductions of immodest exposure and conduct.
Also if young women know how good men, young and old, react to such exposure, we doubt if they would be so foolish and naive. The immodest revealing of the female form causes the lewd to leer and lust, decent men to blush and protest, while brothers and fathers are embarrassed, offended, and alarmed. Even lewd men have certain disgust for nude women.
The exposing of the uncovered body to public view is like a “for sale” notice indicating “cheap shopworn, or marked-down goods.” In a mercantile establishment, such merchandise generally invites handling and is cheapened and soiled thereby.
Decent men looking for wives and choosing mothers for their children, reject the girls who make a public display of their bodies.
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A tourist mother and daughter were recently seen in a shoe store, both in short shorts. They sat down and waited to be served. There were two available male clerks, but neither appeared to notice them. The manager also observed the waiting females and allowed them to leave the store without being served. He commended his clerks for having the modesty which the women lacked.
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The demands of modesty and decency extend beyond dress and appearance. Immodest, profane, or vulgar speech, which leads so often to improper conduct is always reprehensible.
Purity
The richest diadem in all the world is worn only by the pure in heart. It is a priceless jewel, a gift from heaven bestowed upon all at birth. In life’s crucible it is smelted, burnished, made to sparkle, and its worth is enhanced by time…
Hardly plants grow in the open garden, where there are wind and rain and occasional frost. Products of the hot house - plants or people - are usually weak and puny. The person who is timid, passive, and negative as a result of over-solicitude and sheltering, may be, in a sense, innocent, but his untried virtues will be too fragile to endure life’s test. Of course, no one will deliberately court temptation. The very appearance of evil should be shunned and avoided, but no free person can reach maturity without meeting it, therefore, if we are to keep unsullied, we must develop an active and sturdy type purity which can keep itself unspotted and uncontaminated, even in an environmental or atmosphere which, without resistance, would debase it. As it is possible for a lily to grow in a swamp and keep its whiteness, so one can keep his life pure and holy even in the midst of worldliness and pleasure-loving associations. If man’s virtue is positive, he can, like the Gulf Stream, carry his influence far out into the ocean and modify the climate for miles around.
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We urge our young men and women to be on guard against even the idea or suggestion of indecency, for ideas are like mustard seeds, small at first but capable of phenomenal growth. Even the shadow of evil might leave some soil upon the unsullied whiteness of the virgin mind.
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During the war, two officers in London were walking between Piccadilly and Leicester Square. One was an admitted “rounder” and the other a Latter-day Saint. They were accosted by some girls of the underworld. The officer said, “I’ll go with one of you, but this man won’t because he is a Mormon.” The Mormon officer went to the hotel room alone and retired. Later in the night the other man came in and told him of his riotous time. The Mormon officer, in an attempt to discover what was underneath the rough exterior of his friend, facetiously said to him, calling him by name, “In the future, when we are out together, let me make my own decisions. Sometime I might decide to have a night of revelry myself.” Whereupon the other officer turned on him, and swearing, said, “------- ---------, if I thought you meant that I think I’d want to kill you. You are the only man I know who has kept his life unsullied. You possess that which is above all price. That which you have is of more value and gives more deep satisfaction than a thousand nights of debauchery. You’re on a lonely pedestal, but for God’s sake and your own, stay there.”
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Some shortsighted persons claim that what they do to themselves or between themselves is no one’s business but their own, but young people contemplating marriage and young married couples too must know that improper sex conduct is not a private affair and that many innocent people may be seriously affected. The young married couple should make sure that the children who come into their home have proper emotional patterns, habits, and training to guide them.
Unwise and unrestrained sex conduct can destroy love, which, if nurtured, protected, and kept sweet can and should unfold its highest potentialities of joy, dignity, and moral value in the marriage state.
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Young people should know that, generally speaking, people do not lose their virture by one impulsive act, but they descend a step at a time. They who are guilty of immodesty, … should know that hey are on the very brink of sorrow and disgrace. They are, voluntarily, being led by the deceiver of men’s souls down the path of misery and shame.
Wickedness Never Was Happiness
The most intimate relationship between man and woman, authorized by God within the covenant of marriage, is not merely physical or biological. It involves the whole personality, affects the complex nature of men and women. This relationship, within the sanctity of the marriage covenant, with its concomitant obligations, makes man and woman one in interests, aims, aspirations, and responsibilities. If they are true to their covenants to each other, to their children, and to God, their whole beings are merged, they become one mentally and spiritually, and the family they establish is an eternal unit. Prerequisite to ideal marriage is deep and abiding love. This enduring relationship requires purity of thought, word, action; devotion, loyalty sacrifice, integrity, fidelity, honesty, and again, unsullied virtue. There is no real decency without virtue, and there is no real happiness without decency.
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Lucifer and his agents have devised means by which men may partially protect themselves against the natural physical results of their indecency, and has thereby led many into sin by whispering the twin lies, “It is no longer dangerous,” and “no one will ever know.” With these false assurances, thousands, who might have been deterred by fear of consequence, have been lured into transgression…
A home of love cannot long endure if built upon the quicksands of lust. The cement on the foundation of the home is respect, including self-respect. When that cement is gone, both the character of the individuals and the home itself begins to disintegrate. Sin is always ugly and, especially in retrospect, it is repugnant.
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Chastity throughout life, both before and during marriage, requires self-control, reverence for personality, respect for the rights of others, and for the laws of God. God’s law of chastity is as binding on men as on women. Each has the same need and responsibility to be pure in heart.
The Family: An Eternal Unit
If the married couple will keep in mind the long-range program which celestial marriage envisions and never lose sight of the glorious goal toward which they work, they will be able to overlook or overcome temporary obstacles as well as each other’s idiosyncrasies and make of life a glorious adventure.
Marriage and the home lie at the very basis of purposeful living. It is prerequisite to the realization of complete happiness in this life and the attainment of the highest glory in the world to come.
If our young people fully understood this lofty concept of marriage, they would consider no other. They would not be interested in elaborate ceremony, pageantry, or social prestige, but would enter into it in a spirit of reverence, devotion, and dedication. They would seek to become worthy to enter His holy house, make most sacred covenants and be married for time and eternity.
Surely all who understand this celestial law, with its guarantees of eternal life, eternal association with loved ones in the presence of God and Christ, forever and ever, will be satisfied with nothing less…
May God bless the youth of the Church with wisdom to take the longer view, to reject the temporary and transitory, however alluring, and have the vision, faith and courage to keep morally clean, to be worthy to marry in the temple and thereafter to earn the incomparable blessings of eternal associations with loved ones for time and all eternity.